The other day I caught myself cheerfully belting out Adele’s song, “Hello”.
(Get the epic backstory here.)
This has been a week of delirious happiness.
No, I haven’t won the lottery and bought a floaty island of my own where I could question the meaning of life.
No, it has nothing to do with Lover–although he continues to raise the bar on being an amazing individual.
No, I am not ingesting anything to alter my consciousness–other than some delicious chocolate cake.
Finally, I feel like I am settling into who I want to be.
I’m not waiting on life or fate or some mystical energy field to control my destiny.
In fact, I’m not waiting around at all, for anything. I’ve forged ahead with quitting a toxic work environment, and I’m now working hard to learn the ropes at my new position at Elsewhere.
The home front, too, is looking good. After enduring three months of renovations immediately upon moving into my new house, now it finally feels like I live here. I touch the soft grey walls, admire the subway tile back splash, and grin at the whimsical wallpaper I chose for one small accent wall.
At last, I can breathe again.
I can straighten my spine and not lean on Lover so much.
I can let go of those ghosts from the past while still remembering the good times that we had. There were so many things that shaped me as a person, for the better…
…but now I no longer want what I do not have.
Susana told Tristan, in the movie Legends of the Fall, “I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait for you forever.”
Later, she recants when he returns after a long absence and says, “Forever turned out to be too long.” She is still in love with him, although she married his older brother and settled for someone else instead.
I know something, about settling for what is right in front of you instead of moving forward to find something else. It is a mistake that not only kept me stagnant but actually moved me backwards in evolutionary terms.
But at last, I think I have moved on and found The Other Side.
It is not at all what I thought it would be like–it is even better.
Life will not always be so full, overwhelming with translucent joy. But for now, I am appreciating the change and grateful to have fought my way to this far shore.
May the road rise to meet you, wherever you may be in your personal journey.
What Was That?
*Yes, I will totally quote Firefly at the drop of a hat, as well as Star Wars. You’re welcome.
Photo credit: http://joncontino.com/work/lincoln-motor-company/