Therefore, if you’re not 18+, please bug off until you’re older. There will be cursing and, well… 

This time, dear Reader, I truly tried.

I researched in a way that the word actually deserves.


OK, a best-seller that spent three weeks on The New York Times list…well, that should be worth something, right? I thought to my biased little self.

I optimistically clicked Buy Now next to the $2.99 price tag on my Kindle.

Seconds later, I was cursing.

Meet Delilah Maddox. She’s a news reporter who gets to–gasp!–go into the locker room of a pro football team.

For an interview, of  course! But her assistant reminds her to look extra cute, just in case…

Image result for are you fucking kidding me animated gif

Women have had to work damn hard, extremely hard, to be able to be treated equally.

I know. I am one.

Sex is great. Men are great, and women are god’s gift to beautify the world. But when it comes to work, women have to be professional in order to be taken seriously.

This would get me fired.

Image result for too sexy for work

What’s worse, the author recognizes this double-standard and incorporates it into the novel: her hero, Brody Easton, doesn’t think women belong in the locker room.

Enter Delilah Maddox,  just in time to prove him right. He drops his towel with a swagger, and on live camera she gapes for an entire minute of dead air. Wow! A penis!

It’s moments like these that make me wonder how many dicks the author has actually laid eyes upon. I read somewhere that she’s married to the man she met when she was six years old, so perhaps that explains it.

Myself, I’ve seen more than anyone’s fair share. Some with freckles, some with a curve like a saber, some cut and some not.

May I say, a limp dick is not an impressive sight.

Does that image take your breath away for a whole minute? Worth jeopardizing your career and any modicum of professionalism you might have had? Oh my, I’m all a-flutter.

Either Delilah Maddox is gawking at a boringly flaccid penis, or Brody Easton is sporting a semi or even a full-on erection in a locker room full of half-naked burly testosterone titans.

Where he just dropped his towel to flaunt his junk.

Again, in front of all of his teammates.

Uh-huh…my experience with frat boys finds this scenario unlikely. We haven’t evolved that much as humans to be OK with another dude’s wiener standing at full salute around a bunch of other dudes in a place that is decidedly not a Fet Life party or a gay bar.

I’m all for sex, for penises great and small, for football players and threesomes and please god some spanking. But when I go to work, my skirts are knee-length and my C-cup breasts are practically invisible due to excellent tailoring. There is a time and place for everything.

Ladies and gents, now is a new era.

We need to ask for more.

We need to ask for better fiction than this.

Three weeks on the best seller list?

Fifty Shades of Grey outsold Harry Potter for millions of copies?

Ask for something better. Vote with your wallet for fiction that’s sexy AND smart. Something believable, not medieval mores that place women back in the Dark Ages.

Me? I’m going to begin by asking for a refund. It’s a small step in the right direction.

Two minutes later…

When I’m bothered, I look for something better. This is better, and it’s even true: “My Life in the Locker Room: A Female Sportswriter Remembers the Dicks”.

What if Our Heroine were modeled after Jennifer Briggs? Is it too much to ask for a little self-respect?

I want to be romanced but I don’t need to be rescued. I want hot, passionate sex but I don’t want to have dumb-down to get it.

And so, the search continues…