Dear Diary,

Over the years I’ve had several roommates. One who never paid the $500+ bill to her boyfriend (in Russia!); another whose idea of doing the dishes was to keep buying paper plates and piling them up to the ceiling in a food-encrusted tower of typhoid.

But of all those who have come and gone, I have to say that cats are by far the worst of all. Here are the top 5 reasons why. 

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#5. Cats will sprawl anywhere and start picking at their toes, like the rudest redneck country bumpkin. Be prepared to find spare claw clippings crunching under your  bare feet.

#4. Cats will decide for no reason at all that midnight is the precise time to practice for that next American Idol audition, and with perfect timing it will usually be when you most need a good night’s sleep.

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Seriously, Cats, you don’t even have the excuse of a long evening of dollar well drinks and karaoke.

#3. Cats will perform yoga anywhere, but the forbidden kitchen counter is a favorite when they think you’re not looking. There’s nothing quite like Cat licking its butt next to your butter dish to compel a Lysol exorcism of all counter-top surfaces.

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#2. Despite a reputation for grace and beauty, cats will knock stuff over like the most inebriated party crasher. And not just stuff, but expensive stuff. A plastic 7-11 Big Gulp cup is safe as houses, but hide the good crystal because that will be the first to go…


unless that 7-11 cup has liquid in it, preferably the kind that makes an exquisite spatter pattern of permanent stains. This will put it back on the list as Priority #1.

#1. Cats do not believe in personal space–yours, that is. (They will let you know with tooth and claw when you’re intruding on their own.) Having sex? Cat doesn’t mind; Cat will walk right over your writhing bodies, stopping only to dig in deeper for better purchase on all that tender slippery flesh, before settling in for the show right between your outstretched feet.

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Cats! Can’t live with them, can’t help but kowtow to their numerous demands. And let’s not even get started on litterbox maintenance…

Happy Hump Day!